Erin Braxton (00:00.243)

If you are suffering from trauma, from PTSD, from things like that, this is the video for you. You do all that and you're rising, you're rising, you're rising. And then you get to the job and it's just like you hit your ceiling. We're making this job our world. We're making the job our everything. The job is defining us. I guarantee you that middle manager who

They promoted and gave a few subordinates who likes to come and torture everybody who works underneath them. They don't have shit going on. That's what they do. That's their life. Don't let that be your life. Don't let that be your life.

Erin Braxton (00:52.494)

Hey everyone, welcome to the Coffee No Cream podcast. My name is Erin Braxton and I am the host of Coffee No Cream. Here on Coffee No Cream, we are unapologetically dedicated to black women and we share what I like to call Coffee No Cream moments, those things that happen to us black women in business and in life just because we are black women. Today, we are continuing our series, the Corporate Code series and today's code is the head code. Now, last week we talked about boundaries,

We talked about erecting those boundaries, making sure that you protect yourself so you can work on your own shit instead of being sucked on and drained and worried about what everybody else wants you to be worried about in their own lives. You need to worry about you, protect yourself from yourself and from others. So we talked about boundaries. This week in the head code, we're gonna be talking about when the workplace and others get into our heads and how...

People can chip away at our self-confidence. Now, you might think, this is not for me. I don't let these people affect me. And that's fine. It might not be for you. But if you are suffering from trauma, from PTSD, from things like that, which I've heard in the comments, and I'm going to read a couple of them in just a minute, this is the video for you because I believe I have a way to provide some immediate relief.

And it might be a way of thinking that you never thought about before how to work on getting these people out of your head, getting out of your head yourself and moving on with your life, propelling yourself toward the future. So before we get started, I'm gonna ask you guys to please like, please share, please subscribe. You guys have been so supportive of the podcast. mean,

The comments and the likes and the follows and all of the love that you guys have been showing is more than I could have possibly hoped for in such a short period of time. I'm so appreciative of it. So please let me know how I'm doing. Comment, share. I like to read all of the comments. I do listen and I am getting ideas and fuel for future episodes and how we're gonna grow. Again, our purpose here is to navigate

Erin Braxton (03:16.544)

this earth and these waters as a black woman and we go through so much. So I'm here to provide tools and ideas and I wanna hear from you. We also have a Facebook community where we continue the conversation. Everybody cannot come online. Everybody does not feel comfortable getting attacked in the comments section for having an opinion or saying something. We do have trolls. Okay, so we have created.

a safe community where we are checking, where we can continue that conversation over at Facebook. So the link is in the bio. What else, what else, what else? we do have the free educational resource tool that has launched, coffee no cream.com forward slash free, where we have over a thousand free courses, university level, continuing education, all of the things.

for you to help level yourself up. Some are certificate courses, some are not, but they are all free. So go to coffeeyounocream.com forward slash free and you can sign up totally free to you. And I think that is it. That's all the housekeeping. So let's get into the episode. So the head code and allowing work, job, coworkers, all the bullshit over there to get into our head.

allowing things to chip away at our confidence. So when somebody gets into your head, that's exactly what they're doing. It's chipping away at your confidence. It's creating self doubt. It's creating an insecurity in your ability or your power to do something different and better for yourself, right? And that is what happens a lot of times on the job. I got a few comments over the last few weeks. I got a lot of comments over the last few weeks, but let me read a couple.

to you. This one was under my video where I had Abby and Abby the attorney and Tracy thinking out loud on the channel. We talked about friendships. Thank you so much ladies for sharing your experiences. I feel validated. I left three jobs due to these experiences. It is never the work, always the people. I perform so well, but these non-black people will never let me have peace in these work environments.

Erin Braxton (05:41.396)

I am currently looking for a new job. have PTSD about the thought of being the only black woman again. Okay. I had another comment. It's crazy. I currently feel so gaslighted at my job due to my white boss comparing me to another coworker subtly on more than one occasion. And that's when I realized all the

I believe in you and your potential is solely based on how well I do compared to my white coworkers. These comments stuck out to me, okay? And this is when I knew we needed to start talking about letting these people get into our heads. Now, I believe I have a solution that is going to allow you to begin to work on this immediately. Now, if you have trauma like I did from my job, I...

thoroughly and strongly recommend that you see someone, talk to a therapist, talk to someone about it because my solution is just my solution. It's something that I figured out that works for me. So I'm sharing it hoping it works for you. But yeah, definitely seek counsel, seek a therapist to help you. But let me just share with you, and I've shared this before, but let me share with you my experience and how I was feeling when I left my last job.

Okay, so as I've said before, I've shared before, I used to work in advertising and I had some really cool jobs as far as optics, right? I worked in advertising agencies and then for a year I worked at Neiman Marcus corporate as a marketing analyst. All sounds cool, got to do the things like shoot TV spots and meet celebrities and go on shoots and travel and.

eat at great places and all that, right? But it was those jobs and those people in those spaces really, it took a toll on my self-confidence. It chipped away at my self-confidence and I allowed what was going on in those spaces to get into my head. Now from the outside, it was cool to say, you have this job, I had this job. It seemed like a great opportunity and

Erin Braxton (07:58.345)

They were, but they definitely took a toll to the point where when I left, I was dealing with a lot of professional self-worth issues. right. And just a little background on my life prior to working, you know, as a child, I was a very active person. I was in a lot of activities and everything I went for, I got.

You know, so I'm thinking I'm the shit to this point. And a lot of times you've got a lot of high achieving, ambitious black women. And we are conditioned from the beginning that we have to work twice as hard, 10 times as hard to get half as much recognition. And I thought I understood that, right? It's real easy for your parents to try to say this stuff to you and you think you get it, but you don't get it until it happens, right? So, you know,

In high school, I was very active. I was in activities. Only thing I didn't get into student government, I tried. I was not elected. But other than that, I pretty much got into most of the things I went out for. Same in college. I was able to pledge a sorority and I was able to get onto the Homecoming Steering Committee and the schools.

recruitment team, which was like a prestigious thing to do. At that time, I was able to get internships paid and unpaid. I was able to do everything I wanted, right? Everything came to me. I felt like I was working hard. I felt like I'm the shit, right? I can do that. I can do this. I've I've prepared myself. I've done everything I'm supposed to do. Yes, of course I deserve it. Right. So you get to the job.

I graduate, I have always gotten what I wanted. Nothing has ever been a real struggle as far as that is concerned, right? And as black women, we do, we get the degrees, we do all the things we're supposed to do. I mean, my resume was stellar for somebody who was graduating from college. I had done more than enough to secure a job and I did. worked at the first, the first job I had was a place I had my like big internship with.

Erin Braxton (10:21.299)

when I was a junior after my junior year to senior year. Okay. But you do all that and you know, you're rising, you're rising, you're rising. And then you get to the job and it's just like, you hit your ceiling. And this is really a hard pill to swallow. At least it was for me because I'm thinking in my mind, well, what the hell? You know, I've always done well.

people like me, you know, I do well and da da da. And shit just wasn't working out the way I thought. Similar to Abby, when Abby the attorney was on my podcast the first time, she said when she arrived at her first job, she thought it was going to be her last job. She had arrived, right? And I was so excited. And for most of us, we're like, ooh wee, I got the job. That's the goal. Like to get the job. You did all this shit. Up until this time,

and you got the job, right? Well, yeah, but once you get the job, you're trying to raise yourself up in the job. And when I first got my first job, it was a very strange experience for me. I was all of a sudden being questioned, I wasn't being recognized, I wasn't good enough, what I did wasn't good enough, I was being reprimanded for stuff that was completely ridiculous. It was a real eye-opener for me.

Right? The job was the goal, but I felt like, I gonna plateau right here? Is this it? So, you know, this happens. I get let go. I get another job. It was okay. I stayed there for a year. I didn't love it. I left that job, went and got another job and experienced the same thing. So I'm quickly learning that

Maybe I'm not as good as I thought I was. This shit is starting to chip away at my confidence. It's starting to get into my head. It was for me at least. Now, I have a theory about it and you know what I said is we as black women, we work hard, we work hard, we work hard, we get the job, like we get the job and then shit starts to go left. So what do you do? You say, fuck these people.

Erin Braxton (12:48.283)

I'm gonna get a new job. So you go around and you get a new job. Same thing happens. I'm gonna get another job. You go around and you get another job, right? But slowly but surely all of this problem and conflict that you're having on these jobs begins to chip away at your confidence. It begins to get into your head. I know when I was at my final job, when those people tried to say I wasn't strategic, when those people tried to say I...

was behind my peers, right? It started to chip away at my confidence. It was getting in my head. What I was doing and what I suspect a lot of us have done, are doing, is we're making this job our world. We're making the job our everything. The job is defining us. We spend the majority of our time at the job. We're there from nine to five.

And when the job isn't going the way we think it should go, it's not our automatic inclination to pivot or always think that there's something wrong with these people. And we take it in and we let it get to us and we let it get into our heads. Right. But I propose a different way of being. What we tend to do is once we get the job, we feel confident in that because we were able to secure the job. Like that was the big thing. You get the job, you're super excited. Right. You.

start to lose your self-confidence, right? When you are not getting promoted or recognized in the way that you know you should, in the way that maybe some of your coworkers and counterparts do, right? What I've learned from being in these jobs and something my dad told me, and I've mentioned this before, is if I had a plan, they couldn't make me mad. So when you're talking about you have trauma and you have PTSD, that stuff is real. That shit is real, right?

It's the truth. Okay, I propose this. You're on a job, you're getting a paycheck. You might think your job is you. It defines you, right? Because you thought, you know, I got this job, this is where I'm gonna be, and I'm gonna make this money, and I can work to get moved up. And all of your confidence is rooted in that position, right? Until they don't respond to you the way you thought they were gonna respond to you.

Erin Braxton (15:18.579)

That can only get to you if you're putting all of your eggs in this basket. If your confidence is based on what these people think of you. If your confidence is based on the validation of your coworkers, of your supervisors or whatever. That's false confidence. That's a false sense of confidence. If you're over here and you're in motion,

building, doing your thing, then that doesn't affect you so much. What do I mean by being in motion? Confidence to me is not about, know, I speak confidently, I stand straight, I, you know, I do all these things because I'm a confident person, right? Confidence comes from actually doing something. And once you do that thing,

or try to do that thing or just a little nudge, right? You start to gain the proof that you're able to do that thing, okay? So when I say you're in motion, you're over here doing your own thing outside of work, right? Like say, I have this side hustle that I'm doing, right? And I'm just gonna try. I'm just gonna try. And you start working on the side hustle like a little bit at a time and you're in motion, you're in motion, you're in motion.

and then you have a little win, right? Okay, proof that, okay, the side hustle actually worked a little bit. I made a little money off of the side hustle. So you keep going, you're moving, you're moving, you're in motion, you're in motion. And then you make more money. And then you make more money. And then you make more money, okay? So you're building your confidence in that thing. And even though,

at your day job, they might not be validating you. Who cares? Because you're over here working on something else. You're in motion. What if you're in motion over here and you're not working on a side hustle? You decide, you know what? I got a few extra thousand dollars. I'm just gonna start to learn how to trade. I'm gonna get into trading. I'm gonna start swing trading or I'm gonna start, you know,

Erin Braxton (17:39.755)

doing some kind of trading, there's so many different types of trading, but just suppose you're gonna start doing that and leveling up your finances. You learn, you take a course, you get with some guru trader, all of a sudden you've turned that $2,000 into $4,000 and you've turned that $4,000 into $8,000 and so it goes. So you're building your confidence.

You're in motion. You're not just sitting around waiting on this paycheck. You're doing something. And what did I say before? That there's nothing that gives you more confidence than having money in the bank, right? So these people that you're relying on that are chipping away at your confidence all the time, getting in your head, they can't get into your head really because you've got shit going on over here. You don't care about that bullshit over there because you're working on some shit over here. You're building your finances.

Maybe your motion over there, you're moving, you're moving, you're working on your resume. Maybe your motion is you're moving and moving and moving and you're working on networking. You're working on things. You're constantly doing something. You're moving and moving and moving and you're working on your relationships over here, personal relationships. And they're so strong that you just, you you realize that this is just a job. This doesn't define who you are and the love and attention and

and all of that that you get from your friends and your family and your loved ones, that's the motion that makes you happy and fuck those people, right? Motion can be anything, guys, is what I'm saying. What happens when we're on these jobs and we get this false sense of confidence when they give us this title, what does that title mean? When they promote somebody to some middle management supervisor role and they didn't promote you,

Who cares? Okay, those people are tied to that thing, right? And all of their validation and everything is tied into that job. And I promise you, if the floor drops out from beneath them and they lose that job today, you're gonna be better prepared because you've been over here in motion, doing your own shit, doing your own thing. So it doesn't matter. When you have other things going on,

Erin Braxton (20:03.621)

you have less time to worry about that stuff. This might be just a means to an end. This is temporary, right? Don't look at the job as a forever thing. We look at it like we've arrived. This is it. This is gonna carry us through to retirement. It is not all the time. For some, I do have one friend who's, I have one friend who's been on the same job for like, shit, since we got out of college, right? She's happy with it. It works for her. That's not everybody's path, right?

I feel like you need to stay in motion, constantly working on yourself, building your own shit. Even if you don't want to work for yourself, there are ways so that you can block out the noise and realize that the false sense of security that you're getting or not getting from your job isn't affecting anything. It has nothing to do with anything. Yes, I know sometimes it's easier said than done.

These people say things to you. They try to like dig at you. They try to get to you. But you could just be like, if you're like, okay, I got this thing over here. I'm not worried about it. That's just incentive to me to keep going, to go harder on what you're in motion on over here. Does that make sense? I don't want to diminish what anybody is going through. And again, get with your therapist.

work with someone to work through the issues. And sometimes this might not be enough, but I find that as long as I have other things going on, it doesn't sting so bad, right? When my client let me go last year, yeah, it stung, but it didn't sting so bad as it could have stung because I had other things going on. They weren't all I had. They weren't the only eggs in my basket, right?

I gave them a lot of time and attention, yes, but because I was already in motion on other things, I wasn't halted completely, right? You always need to be doing other things. So if you're building, if you're learning, if you're growing, if you're in motion doing those things over here, their opinions won't matter, what they say won't matter, their failure to promote you won't matter, you are less likely to be

Erin Braxton (22:32.625)

to be affected internally, mentally, because of that. I guarantee you that middle manager who they promoted and gave a few subordinates, who likes to come and torture everybody who works underneath them, they don't have shit going on. That's what they do. That's their life. Don't let that be your life. Don't let that be your life, right? You might not wanna be an entrepreneur. You might not want to...

have some big business that you start or you might not really be into that, okay? But what you do need to be into is always working on something so that all your eggs aren't in that basket. And when all of your eggs aren't in that basket, you will not be affected by the bullshit so much. You're in motion. You're not in your head. They can't get in your head because you're in motion on some other shit.

that's gonna get you way farther than them deciding that they wanna promote you, than them deciding that they wanna give you a raise, than them deciding that they wanna give you the accolades and the awards and the achievements. Be in motion. Now, a lot of times, you have to be really careful about who you talk about, what you're in motion on with. As we know, it is best to move in silence.

Even still, you could be talking to people and people will come at you crazy or come at you and you'll be like, fuck, all kinds of ways. Now, when I was working at the ad agency, was very friendly with my boss. He knew that I was starting my clothing company and he probably didn't believe I was gonna do shit with it or whatever. He didn't care. He was black. He was...

He was cool on that front. He didn't tell on me in that respect. He was cool. And he was a creative. He was award-winning creative. So I remember coming to him and talking to him about what the name of my line was going to be. Now, back in that time, people were coming up with clever names that, you know, you know, made sense. Like when Juicy Couture came out or Spanx came out, it was just, you know, people were coming up with clever names. So

Erin Braxton (24:59.597)

I wanted a clever name, but I soon got rid of that idea and I decided to go with my name, Aaron Braxton. You know why? Because I love my name. I think my name is cool. I think it sounds good. I like saying it. I like my name. So I remember bringing this to him and he tried to steer me away from that. Said, the big designers,

they use their names because usually they came from houses that people know like Chanel or Gucci or whatever, Lagerfield or wherever they came from. And I let it get to me for a while, chipped away at my confidence a little bit, thought about it, ruminated about it a little bit. And then finally it was like, yeah, I'm gonna go with my name because I have a cool name. And instead of just being like, oh, okay. He was like, well, I have a cool name too. Whatever, whatever.

So you have to be careful of who you share shit with. Even if you think they're cool and you think we're friends and all this kind of stuff, people who are close to you, a lot of times it's hate. In these cases I'm mentioning right now, it's hate. So be careful because people who you think you're cool with will say shit to try to derail you. They'll say shit to try to kill your confidence. I remember when I was

in LA and the Aria Hotel in Vegas. Big hotel, huge hotel. They ordered $35,000 worth of clothing from me. It was a big deal. I was so excited. It was like private label. They gave me a whole section in their main store and the main lobby. It was really exciting. And I remember telling Beth, remember Beth?

from the boundaries episode, Beth, my white girlfriend at the time, who cried all the time and you know, well, Beth was also very competitive and very controlling. And I remember when I told Beth, hey, I'm so excited. I got this new opportunity. The Aria is ordering like $35,000 from me. Oh my God. Beth says to me,

Erin Braxton (27:19.301)

Well, is this order going to help you not live so hand to mouth now? What the fuck? Hand to mouth? Now, yeah, I was struggling financially. I'm out in L.A. trying to make my clothing line happen. But is that what you say? Is that what you have to say? So trying to kill my confidence, trying to diminish the excitement of what had just happened. Hater. Hater. I remember when I

got fired from my first advertising agency. I was off work for about four months. I went to work for Neiman Marcus. I was dating a guy the whole time. And all of a sudden he was like, you think you're all that ever since you got that job at Neiman Marcus.

What? I mean, the job was only paying like $30,000. Neiman Marcus was an absolute dump in their corporate offices. It wasn't like it was, but it was, you know, cool to say you worked at Neiman Marcus. Hater, hater. But that was just some guy I was seeing. So it can come from everywhere, all right? You have to protect your mind. You can't let people get into your head. And each one of those times,

with my boss, with Beth, with the ex. I'm just like, what in the actual fuck was that, right? I knew better not to, but people will do that, people you are friends with. So it's best to move in silence sometimes. It's best to not say shit about what you're doing because everybody can't handle it. You're also gonna have friends and family. They mean well, they're well-intended. They love you, but...

Sometimes even them, they'll say stuff that will cause you to second guess what you're trying to do, chipping away at your competence, getting in your head. My dad does it, he's so fearful. Everything, well, you shouldn't do that, I wouldn't do that. You know, encouraging you to stay in situations that are less desirable and stressful for you, because in their mind, you know, they went through

Erin Braxton (29:36.325)

you know, all kinds of stuff in their day. Why would you leave that job? Why would you leave that security? Why would you leave those benefits? You know, I wouldn't leave my job. Your family will tell you that. A lot of people will tell you that. That's their fear that they're trying to put on to you. A lot of times God puts us in certain situations to help us propel ourselves forward. I strongly believe that. I strongly believe that.

I can now look back on the things that happened to me in my life and connect the dots. When you're going through them, sometimes you cannot. But even now at this point when I'm going through stuff, I can say, okay, this is uncomfortable. I'm so annoyed. However, I'm gonna get something out of this. I swear, it happened to me recently with T-Mobile. Got a free watch.

annoyed on the phone with them for two, three hours, but I got the watch for free. So I'm just saying that to say, you can't always tell why you're in some shit, but there's always something to come out of it. You're in this situation over here. The work situation is toxic. It's some bullshit. They're fucking with you. They're getting in your head. You can't stand to be there. You hate these people.

like I was feeling when I left the people, that last advertising agency that I left, but it causes you over here to get into motion to realize what you really should be doing, to figure your shit out. So my point in all this is we have to reframe the way we think about these jobs, all right? The job isn't the goal.

It is for a lot of us because we worked our ass off and did all of this shit on the way to getting the job. But then when the job turns out to not be what we want it to be, then we're traumatized. Then we're upset. Then we're, you know, second guessing ourselves and questioning our ability. And that's bullshit. If you stay in motion, get the small wins, make shit happen over here, they can't upset you as much. So,

Erin Braxton (32:01.305)

Hopefully this kind of gives you somewhere to go Everybody's story is different. I can only speak from my own experience and I know from my own experience that When I'm in motion it it causes me less anxiety I'll give you one more example when I started this podcast I Had the idea I had the idea for this podcast well before you guys saw the first episode

before I launched. And I remember last year in 2024, right before I was going for my big 50th birthday celebration in Thailand and Vietnam with my girls, I was told I was getting let go. Now, I already had this podcast in my mind and

we were, my girls and I, on my actual birthday last year in July, we were in the pool at the villa and we were working out coffee, no cream. I already had the name. We were just kinda talking it through, right? This was a vision. This was a vision I had in my head. Now that was July of 2024. I did not launch the podcast until May of 2025, but I was...

constantly in motion with it, not constantly, but I'd get in motion and I'd stop, right? But it was a thing. I was definitely planning to launch it, but I was kind of dragging my feet a little bit. And so I had the logo designed. I worked on the intro music. I had it done. I had already recorded some stuff. So I had some interviews in the bank, okay? So I was...

I was doing things, but it's still dragging my feet. If only this, if only that, right? So every time I would get on YouTube and I would get on TikTok and I'd just be scrolling and scrolling, I was driving myself crazy because I wasn't doing what I had set out to do. It would make me more anxious. It would make me feel worse because I wasn't in motion like I should have been.

Erin Braxton (34:23.086)

Getting my podcast out because to me this is something that God had given me had told me that I should be doing and Because I wasn't doing it every time I saw a representation of somebody doing their own thing me watching creators create me consuming their content and not creating my own it caused me anxiety and This is why I know that I have to be in motion at all times because it helps me

calm down, it helps me get my mind right. Still, like if I'm worried about money because I am self-employed, okay, and I still do worry about money, I don't have a paycheck coming on time, every time, same time, every month, okay? There are times where things are slow or there are times when things are okay or cool. When I get to those slow times, instead of me

freaking out about it like I used to, I know that if I just stay in motion on the projects that God has given me to do, if I just keep moving on those things, that it calms me down. And that's what I'm saying to you. If you just stay in motion and keep moving on whatever those things are that God is putting in your head and in your heart and stay in motion, whatever those people say over there,

It will not fuck with you in the same way. It will not get in your head. All right? And that's it. That's all I've got to share with you today. I hope that helps somebody. I really, really do. I listen, I'm paying attention to your comments and as we grow and evolve, we'll have more and different guests and we'll continue these conversations, but just try it. Try it out today.

Get an emotion on something. Just try to be creative in some sort of way. Creativity calms me down. Creativity helps me with my anxiety. Try to get into motion on a project. Be creative. Even if it's with one of your kids or your friends or something, because you don't know exactly what it is you want to do, try that and see how you feel. If not just for an hour or two, you're not

Erin Braxton (36:48.044)

You're not thinking about how these people are fucking with you and how you have to deal with these people every single day. I promise you, once you get into that creative space, you get an emotion, you're gonna feel better instantly. Not saying that you don't need to do the other things, not saying that you don't need to go to a therapist, talk to your therapist, talk it out in that way, but this is something that

to me is like breath work. It can provide immediate relief. So guys, that's it. That's all I have today. I hope that helps. I really, really do. Please leave me some comments on what you do when you're trying to stay out of your head. Like share with everybody, because I enjoy the comments section. I really do. I hope you guys leave me some good ones this week and tell me what you've done to get out of your head and not.

Not just like I don't let these people get into my head. That's great. If you're not that person I'm that person a lot of people are that person a lot of people are traumatized. So I wanted to speak to it share with me what you think And yeah, thank you guys so much for joining me and I will see you in the next episode