Erin Braxton (00:00)

So today is our one year anniversary episode. This is episode 54 of Coffee No Cream. And a year ago this week, I launched the podcast. I launched the community and I couldn't be more thrilled with the way that it is going. You guys have shown up, you've been supportive. We have talked to a lot of black women. We have shared stories. We have talked in the comments. You guys have sent me messages via email, DM.

all the things, right? And the community that we are building here is just getting started for me. I hope you stick with me. But on this one year anniversary, I think we need to do a bit of a reset. I feel that we've got some stuff happening, Black women, that is messing with our mental hygiene. Now, when I started the podcast, obviously I wanted to create community for Black women.

The goal of the podcast was to help black women to navigate this life, know, personal work, all of the things. But what I'm seeing, our mental hygiene is slowly but surely not so great, not so good. It's getting contaminated, if you will. And today I wanna talk about how we can reset and check ourselves.

to prevent that. So today I'm gonna talk about it. We're gonna go through five ways that we need to check ourselves so that we are keeping our mental hygiene good. There's a whole lot of stuff going on out here and I wanna just talk about how we can make sure that we're good mentally because there's some things that you might be doing or taking part of or allowing yourselves to fall victim to, me included.

that you might not be so aware of. So before we get into it.

Welcome to the Coffee No Cream podcast. My name is Erin Braxton and I am the host of Coffee No Cream. Here on Coffee No Cream, we are unapologetically dedicated to black women and we share what I like to call Coffee No Cream moments, those things that happen to us black women in business and in life just because we are black women. So mental hygiene and black women, we need some clear, good mental hygiene. There are five ways that I can see, I know there's more, but.

There are five things I wanna talk about because we know what we're up against, right? We know what we have to deal with, the weights that we have to carry and all the things. And there's a lot going on out here that is getting all up in here. And you might not even realize it, but I'm gonna bring a different perspective to it. And the reason this...

came about is because I actually had an email from someone who wanted to talk about critical thinking and making sure that we are not anti white. We are not anti them. It is not us against them. And that was never my intention with the podcast. Okay, that was not my intention. My intention was to uplift. We do get into some spicy heated conversations.

We do have to say the real hard things. We do have to say things that shed light on what it is that we've been through because that's necessary. But on a day-to-day basis, we have to determine if what we're seeing, what we're hearing, what we're listening to, what we respond to is in the best interest of our mental hygiene, all right? So let me get into it and start off with the first way we need to reset and check ourselves.

so that we're tending to our mental hygiene. First check, how are you responding to what is in front of you, to the content that is placed in front of you, to the things that you see? This podcast included, how are you responding to those things? And I say this because there's a lot of conversation and discourse and... ⁓

just talk about being black, being black in America, being black women. It's necessary conversation or I would not be sitting here right now, obviously. But I can be up here and share something that was terrible that happened to me. Or I could be watching another content creator tell a story of something horrific that happened to them. I can be empathetic. I can...

I can feel her pain. I can understand where she's coming from, but it doesn't mean that it's mine to manage, that it's mine to bear. Does that make sense? Every black person hasn't been through the same thing. And again, I have a life, you have a life. Everybody's got stuff that they're dealing with that they have to contend with on a day-to-day basis. We share stories. Yes, I feel

camaraderie, I feel community. I want to hear these things, but sometimes we can take or we can respond to things in a way that is detrimental to us mentally, I feel, psychologically. Something happens to somebody, you watch a video on TikTok, you're like, God, and it pisses you off. It triggers you. You're mad. Then you get out in the real world off of TikTok, off of Instagram, off of YouTube, and you encounter a situation

And your response to the situation might be more intense than it needs to be, might be more antagonistic than it needs to be, might be completely due to something that you saw. In response to that, you're feeling a certain kind of way. You're on guard a certain kind of way. You're acting a certain kind of way.

because of something that you saw that happened to somebody else. I'm not saying that we can't be sympathetic, empathetic, ⁓ supportive of each other and talk about these things. I'm encouraging you to not absorb it, not to make what happened to her something that happened to you. You might not be dealing with microaggressions at work, blatant racism. You might not be dealing with

a horrible boss or ridiculous coworkers. You might not have been dealing with ⁓ rude salespeople or whatever you encounter in the world and something can happen to you that makes you think of that thing that happened to what you, the person that you saw and you can respond more intensely to it. That's the best way I can put it. So,

This isn't good for us to be walking around and carrying that. So while we're empathetic, we see we're supportive, we need to watch how we respond. Everybody's situation isn't our situation. We don't go through the same things. We are similar. We come together as a group, as a collective, as black women, but we've got to make sure that we're not responding based on something else that we saw. If that's not your story, that's not your story.

I've been through things that other people haven't been through. People have sat on this podcast and been through things that I haven't been through. I am out in the world every single day living my life. We have something in common. We're black women. We get it. We understand each other, right? But I'm navigating the world not in response to what I'm seeing, but I'm,

responding to my own experience. So make sure you don't make other people's experience your experience, which can in turn change how you respond to the world, which can lead to missed opportunities, which can lead to a lot of anxiety, a lot of stress, just unnecessary ⁓ pain and trouble, if you will. Stay true to yourself. It's okay to understand and have camaraderie.

but make sure you're not responding based on somebody else and you're out here reacting, bobbing and weaving, navigating based on you, okay? That doesn't mean you're not diligent, but just make sure that your response is reflective of what it is that you have been through, okay? Every day that I go out here, it's not me against white people or non-black people. I just wanna say that. ⁓

I come and talk to you guys about the stories because the things that have happened and whatever to me, to others are painful and we need to have those conversations. But don't miss out on opportunities that can help you, that can serve you because you're pissed off about some shit that you saw on the internet that happened to somebody else that wasn't you. Okay? Hopefully you got that. All right, next, and this is a big one and this is one...

I'm not going to get into naming names because I don't want to do that here. But we need to check our circle of influence. We need to check who we deem as a voice of guidance and direction and leadership in our lives. There are a lot of people on the internet, educated, uneducated, great storytellers, great think pieces, ⁓ you know,

professionals, highly licensed, then degreed, who come and talk to us on the internet. Just because somebody looks like you and claims that they're an advocate of people who look like you doesn't mean there's somebody that you should be following. There's somebody you should be taking guidance from. There's somebody you should be listening to. And I'm not talking about only listen to people who are licensed or

have this degree or certification or whatever. I'm not talking about that because there are people who have lived experiences who have tons of information to share. There are people who are amazing storytellers, people who have gone through things that their story, their message, their experience can save you from stuff that you are confronted with in your life, okay? There are experts who can come on, degree professionals,

who have spent years of training and education and practice who can guide you. Absolutely that. Absolutely. I think social media is amazing. I learn a lot every single day. So I'm not discounting anybody's ability to help you. I feel like we can all help each other. All right. However, don't fall, I guess for the okey-doke, don't fall.

Use your discernment when you're deciding who you're going to listen to and who is going to influence how you move through the world. We are all influenced. Social media is a wonderful thing. I'm not saying it isn't and we will be influenced by that. But we have to do our due diligence and it is up to us to ensure that we are taking counsel from the right people. Everybody on this internet

want something from you. I'm talking to you right now. I want your attention. I want to build my community. I have hopes and dreams for Coffee No Cream I'm no different than anybody else and there's nothing wrong with it because that's the way the world works. You see a licensed professional talking to you, giving you information, giving you ⁓ their expertise. They want your attention too.

Maybe they want you to come and utilize their services. You see authors talking about their book. They want you to buy the book. You see all kinds of people on here. We all want something. I don't think there's anything wrong with that. I think though that we need to make sure that we're vetting people properly because our personal advisory boards have to be well vetted. You need to be qualified to sit on my personal advisory board.

All right. Have you ever been talking to someone and you think they're telling you their take on a certain subject or some said thing that happened and their perspective on it sounds just like some stuff you heard earlier that day, something you scrolled past or heard somebody say a couple days ago. This is the danger of

not properly vetting who it is that we're allowing to influence us without people knowing it. They're not even speaking from a mind of their own. I had it happen to me just recently. We were talking about a celebrity breakup and this person said something to me and I'm like, that isn't even your opinion. I'm thinking in my head. They're presenting it like, this is the way I think.

This isn't the way they thought. I already heard that shit from somebody else. We're influenced. have, we are being influenced constantly. I want to just say, check that. Make sure that you still are able to articulate and formulate your own thoughts on things. Again, we're all influenced by everything. We know that everybody can fall victim to it, but a lot of us are just regurgitating what we heard.

We're not even using our own brains to come up with our own opinions and perspectives, all right? So circle of influence, make sure that your personal advisory board is well deserved, deserves a seat at your board table, okay? Next, and this is similar to what I said just a minute ago about your personal advisory board and your circle of influence. The algorithm is not your reality. So you need to reset your brain

to know that. How many times have you guys been talking to somebody and you're trying to tell them something that surely everybody knows? Because you know, and this is all everybody's been talking about. So you, can't believe you don't know that. I can't believe you haven't heard that. The algorithm is fucking with you, right? What you're seeing is not reality. What you're scrolling past, that is not the world.

I've found myself in this position. I've asked people like, haven't seen that? Girl, where have you been? And then you realize like the algorithm knows exactly what it's doing. These guys are making millions and millions of dollars off of you and you're living your life. You're reacting to the algorithm, to the internet's brain and you're not responding to what's going on in the world. 10, 15 years from now,

you might not have made certain moves because you think the world is like this, but the world isn't like that. That's just your algorithm, right? So we do this all the time. We find this happening all the time in many different subjects and topics. Let's take the most ⁓ common one. So we're talking about relationships, right? So if you're a black woman,

And I don't know if this is by design or not. ⁓ But there's a lot of discourse between male and female relationships. think period about being a woman, being an independent woman. There's a lot of talk about not, you know, needing men and about not having kids and about being able to be a strong, successful woman without having a husband. There's a lot of talk about that on my FYP.

My algorithm is showing me this because I see this content and I'm interested in it. I like it. I'm a single woman. I did not have children. Okay. So when I see that content, I feel seen. That content, I feel seen. I feel like, wow, I'm not the only woman at my age who chose not to have a family or who didn't have kids or who is not married. But

Let me not get it twisted. There are tons of women out here who want to find love, who want to be married, who want to have children. But the algorithm will tell me, ⁓ no, you're not alone. All these women aren't, they're not dealing with men anymore. Whatever. Now, I don't know. I'm not trying to tell you about your relationship. I'm just telling you, you need to, you need to discern these things for yourself because this is one of those things that can get you into trouble.

10 to 15 years from now when you're past the point of, you know, having a family, maybe naturally, right? For me, I feel seen because I'm like, there are other women like this. ⁓ But also I can see the other side. If I would have had the right one presented, I might have had a family and I might have had kids and been married. But that isn't the path that I went on. But for those of you who are trying to make decisions about certain things in your life,

You need to understand that what you're seeing, what's being put in front of you, while you might be, while you might feel seen because you find yourself in a similar situation and you might think, well, there's no need for me to do that. Nobody's doing that. This is one of those things that can get you into some mess because down the road you might look back and be like, well, damn, I really did want that. I should have done that, you know?

for those of you who want to step out there and do your own thing. It looks like everybody's an entrepreneur and you can do it and it's so easy. And you you say F you to your job too fast and you go out here and you mess up. So you've got to be careful of the algorithm talking to you like it's the real world. I go out into the world every single day. I come on to the internet and I talk to you about black women issues, but I'm not living

my trauma every single day. I'm sharing stories. I'm bringing women to you to help uplift you and get you somewhere, but I'm not ⁓ bumping heads with white women every day. I'm not bumping heads with racist bosses every day. That might not be my experience, right? People are online to entertain you. They're not living this.

all the time. So you have to be careful about what the algorithm is feeding you. On Instagram, during COVID, during all that George Floyd stuff and we were protesting and all that, I used to hate watching any type of video where people were fighting and all this kind of stuff, but they kept showing these Karen videos and I just got the most joy out of it. It's been several years. Instagram, when I go on there, when I do go on there,

They are still feeding me that content because I know that I watch that content. I mean, I watch it. When a Karen, somebody gets justice on a, you know, Karen or something like that, that was, that was me all day long. But when I go out into the world, I'm not looking for a fight with Karens of the world. I'm not like that. I'm not interested. I'm not going to respond like that because that is not the way that I respond.

to situations like that. I'm just saying all this to say the algorithm isn't real. Watch it. Okay. They're preying on you. They're designed to fuck with you. All right. Figure out what is reality. The algorithm ain't it. Next, and this is a big one. ⁓ Part of this reset is gonna involve you checking your energy, the mental energy that you give to something because you're

Hygiene can become poor when you're giving too much attention to things that are happening to the content that is presented to you. Yes, we love healthy conversation. We love to talk. We love to be entertained. But what happened to that celebrity and that celebrity's relationship? That has nothing to do with you. I mean, yeah, okay, I want to hear about it. But you can find yourself in a rabbit hole.

trying to find this think piece about it and that think piece about it and fight with people in the comments. Too much energy. What some girl says you should do, how you should ⁓ structure your career, how you should navigate your profession. Should you stay at home? Should you go into the office? Why are we giving a lot of attention to that? It many times doesn't have anything to do with you.

And then we're watching Think Peace on This and Think Peace on That and we're consumed on that particular story. I was just like very interested in it. But then I was like, I don't give a shit what this person says. I work from home and I built a successful company from home. Right? It doesn't apply to me. Why am I so invested and why am I spending so much time and why am I in the comments trying to see what everybody else is saying about it for so long? It doesn't have anything to do with me.

Right? So we have to be careful of how much energy and time we give these subjects or these discussions. That is not my life. Somebody's on the internet saying they're one thing, but they're really not. They're a fraud. They're not real. They've been lying to us. They're not who they say they are. Okay. What else is new? Yes, it's disappointing, but do we need to spend the amount of time looking into it?

going down a rabbit hole of all the ways that they've lied or they've sold us a bunch of bullshit. I say this to say, when we check ourselves and we get ourselves centered on what is real, on what matters to us, we can get ourselves to where we're trying to go. We can get ourselves from where to where we're trying to go. Last week, when I was at the Goldman Sachs closing out of that whole program that I was on,

or in for 12 weeks. I was so busy. I mean, I had to drive three and a half hours out of town from the very first thing in the morning. I can't be online doing that. I get there, I'm in session. To the end of the day, I have dinner. Afterwards, I'm socializing, you know, maybe catching a drink with some of my cohort members. The next day is eight hours. The next day is eight hours. Friday, it was...

four hours and then we had to drive, I had to drive back to St. Louis from three and a half hours away. I did not have the time to cloud up my brain with what I was seeing on the internet. Can I just tell you guys, I was so peaceful. I was calm. I had my wits about me. I was so excited when I got back from that whole thing because I was energized.

I feel drained if I'm taking in all of the content and consuming all of the content and listening to other people talk to me about this, that, and the third. Not always bad, but just a lot. Which leads me to my fifth and final way that you've got to reset by checking yourself with this is to quiet your mind. I knew

I wanted to do a reset. wanted to talk to you guys. I've been working over this episode for a while. This conversation that I wanted to have with you guys for a while. And last night I went on a walk, as you guys know, I like to walk, I walk a lot. And I was playing a audio book. I was like, ooh, this looks like a good, I'm listening to this book. But I knew I was still thinking about what I was gonna say to you guys.

in this episode and I had some stuff on my mind and I just turned the audio book off even though it was an education book. It was like a black history audio book. A new one that I had just discovered. And I was like, ooh, I wanna get into this. I wanna listen to this. But I knew I had to clear my brain and I'm constantly stimulated by external voices, by other information and not.

what's going on in my own brain. And I just shut it off. I just turned it off and I walked and I heard the birds chirping and, you know, nature and everything that was going on. And I needed to quiet my mind. Sometimes I feel so anxious because I have polluted my brain with so much bullshit because I cannot stop picking up this phone.

and checking it and looking and checking and my God, somebody commented. And I think it's even a little worse right now because I am on social media, because I am interacting with you guys, which I love. But a lot of times it's just anxiety. Let me see what's going on. I'm in the kitchen. I'm cooking. I'm waiting on the stove to heat up. Let me check TikTok. It's just too much. And I don't feel good when I do that.

I don't feel good. Sometimes I know that I'm doing it, that I know that I'm going down a rabbit hole of bullshit, okay? But I just can't stop. I get so sucked in and I don't feel well. My mind is too overwhelmed. It's not clear. The mental hygiene thing is for real, you guys. When you can quiet and calm your brain and clear it out, you have clearer thoughts.

you get back in touch with yourself, you can really come up with some shit. I cannot propel myself forward. I cannot get myself to the next step if I'm constantly engaging in this because I'm listening to other people's opinions. I'm looking at them create. I'm looking at them do their thing. I'm looking at them make money and I'm not and that gives me anxiety. That makes me unsteady. I don't like it.

So quiet your mind. When I went on that walk last night, it was so peaceful and wonderful to just be in my own head, okay? So those are the five ways I think we really got to reset. We have got a lot to deal with already. And if our mental hygiene isn't good, if it's poor, if it's bad, we cannot handle business. We cannot take care of business.

we cannot do what we need to do. So let me just repeat the five ways that we need to clear our minds and get some good mental hygiene. So first, number one, check how you are responding to the things that are presented to you and things that are around you, okay? ⁓ That response can show its head or show its face in many, many different ways. You heard something,

It triggers you so when something happens to you in the world, you respond in a certain way. All right, you're too invested in what happened to somebody else. You can be supportive without taking it in, even when they look like you, even when you get it. All right, check how you are responding to social media, to content, to consumption of content. Next, choose your circles of influence.

carefully and wisely, all right? Everybody out here with a microphone and a phone and a camera who can record and is giving you their thoughts on this, that, and the third should not have a seat on your advisory board. They should not have a seat on your personal advisory board. I don't care if they say they're an expert, a therapist, ⁓

⁓ a doctor, I don't care, all right? And there are wonderful regular degular people who storytell, who have lived experiences, who can give you great knowledge and understanding as well, right? Choose wisely. Everybody that says they're for you doesn't mean you well, okay? Everybody who looks like you doesn't mean you well. Next, the algorithm isn't reality. My algorithm is different.

than their algorithm. This might be my world, because I'm just consuming too much, but you've got to step away from that thing so you can understand what's really going on in the world because 10, 15 years from now, you don't want to make mistakes and major life decisions based on how they're feeding you information. You've got to step back and understand what is reality and what isn't, okay?

Fourth, you need to check what deserves your mental energy. You can find yourself in a rabbit hole on some celebrity stuff or ⁓ some influencer stuff or some discourse or some stuff going on. Is this getting you anywhere? Is it propelling you forward? Are you arguing with strangers in the comments section? Are you having fights with people on the internet? Are you too invested in what other people think of other people that you don't even know and don't know you?

Check that. Don't get your mind cluttered up with that. That is not a good use of your mental energy. What could you be doing to advance yourself, to propel yourself forward, to get to the next spot or destination on your journey? And finally, quiet your mind. That kind of just sums it up. Spend some time with yourself. Try hard to put your phone down. Try. I think I'm going to challenge myself to do it.

Do that myself, just put it down. Don't look at it. Set a timer. I mean, I'm telling you, I can be so addicted to this thing and I think we all are. It's literally like our right hand. Find some quiet time. Get your brain thinking on its own. Get your brain functioning without the influence of outside sources. Just be quiet for a minute. Go on a walk, work out, ⁓ you know.

I would even say even though it's content in a way read a book calm down because too much all of this this Content is not good for the mind. All right guys, that's it That's all I have for you on my birthday on Coffee No Cream's birthday. Thank you guys so much I love you guys so much. I appreciate the support and all of the time that you've spent getting to know me I hope you stick with us

I've got ideas, I've got things to come. ⁓ And yeah, that's it. So again, like, share, subscribe. Thank you, thank you, thank you. And I'll see you in the next video.