Erin Braxton (00:00)

Everyone can't be my people. I'm not everyone's people. Everybody has different ideas and and different ideas of what friendship is, of what love is, what it involves, what you do and you don't do when you are in these types of relationships with people. Then they said, what did you do to your hair? It makes it look like you have good hair, and I know you don't have good hair. And she says to me,

Girl, are you in love with this nigga? That's just what she says. And I was just like, I mean, no, I guess maybe. I don't know. Like, what is that? I'm upset. I'm hurt. And she says to me, What have you done with your hair? You look like Buck.

Have you ever broken up with a friend?

And completely cut them off because they said something to you that you didn't like.

Given them no explanation, just cut them cold turkey, just disappeared into the night, just ghosted them forevermore. Some of you might be mature enough to say no, I've never done that. Every time I have a disagreement with people, I let them know, and then I exit their lives. I am not one of those people. Back in the day, when I was younger,

I would cut people off. This is just what I would do. Somebody would say something, they would piss me off. And I was not emotionally mature enough to have conversations with them, to try to resolve conflict in that way. I wanted to talk about the boxes that we place people in. I think as black women, we love so hard, we give so much, and when things happen to us, we can

We can react in a very, I'm not gonna say extreme way, but strong way, by doing what I used to do, by cutting people off, by deciding you're not gonna deal with them in again, by not addressing the problem. But when we do things like that, it is often affecting us just as much, if not more, than the person that we did it to, because we're carrying all of that.

energy and anger toward the person that we are acting like that toward. So what I've learned to do is put people in boxes. But my boxes have changed over the years. Now I probably have about 50 boxes if I'm being honest because there's boxes within boxes. But I have about five main boxes that I put people in to help me navigate my friendships.

And to help me not be so reactive to the stuff that's happening around me. Now you can have boxes of people at work, you can have boxes of people in your family, you can have boxes of your friendships, you can have all sorts of boxes or box categories in your life. But I'm talking about friendships today because to me, my friendships are very, very important.

I love my friends and my friends have been a very important part of my life. They've shown up for me. They've done the things for me. They've been there for me at different times in my life when I was going through different things in different seasons. I've had to learn how to compartmentalize those relationships so that I wouldn't end up hurt and upset and devastated when maybe certain friends couldn't meet certain expectations or

the person that you love said something sideways. So I wanted to talk about that. So before we get into it, welcome to the Coffee No Cream podcast. My name is Aaron Braxton. I am the host of Coffee No Cream. Here on Coffee No Cream, we are unapologetically dedicated to Black women and we share what I like to call Coffee No Cream moments, those things that happen to us black women in business and in life just because we are black women. Please like, please share, hype me up, subscribe, all of the things if this

video resonates with you, please leave me a comment. You know I love to engage with you guys in the comment section. And let's just get into the boxes. Now, the reason I wanted to touch on this subject is because I think there are times where we can make

things a lot harder on ourselves than we need to. That's not just black women, that's anybody. But because we are so passionate about things, we need to learn how to navigate in an emotionally mature way so that we're not always so hurt and disappointed and disillusioned by people. So I want to start with the first box. This is a box that we all should have and

It's a box that if you don't have this box of people, I feel like you should consider trying to figure out who belongs in this box for you. But the first box is my people. These are my people. These this is my my crew, my go to's, my girls, mainly, some guys. ⁓ and for me, this isn't gotta be family. Cause

A lot of times this has to do with longevity, trust, loyalty, availability, understanding, a lot of really good interpersonal skills with each other, ⁓ generosity. These are my people. And you might only have one person in that box. Maybe that person is a sibling. Maybe that person is a parent. Maybe you

you don't really know who that person is. It doesn't have to be five people. It doesn't have to be a bunch of people. I know things happen. Maybe you lost a friend due to an illness, or you had a a wonderful best friend that passed away, or a family member that you were very close to that passed away. So I understand that. But

I have this box, people that I can go to no matter what. Just like it could be family, it might not be family. Family are not people that we choose. So I've had the same best friend since I was ten. we talk all the time. We she is somebody who truly understands me. she's been there with me through my

Just everything that I've gone through because I've known her for over 40 years. But my people include like my best friend, other friends that I've had for a long time, people who I consider I can go to if I have a problem, people who I feel like I can be vulnerable with. Those are my people. It's not a lot of people. When I'm thinking right now.

Maybe three people, four people, right? Everyone can't be my people. I'm not everyone's people, you know? I have been the most disappointed and hurt by people trying to put them somewhere that they're not. I remember one time my father said, Erin sometimes you're trying to be up here with people and they've got you down here.

So it's reciprocated the same thing. I've had people who've wanted to be up here with me, but they're not. They're down here. And that creates for a very odd, awkward relationship. And I've I've had to learn that going both ways. There are people that you meet that you really like that you would love to be cooler and closer with, that you would love for them to be different, be more.

And they disappoint you, they can't be that for you. So that's that's a lesson that I've had to learn. That doesn't mean you can't be good, great friends with them. It just means that, you know, you can't hold them up here when they're down here. I don't know how else to say that, but when my dad said that, I knew exactly what he was talking about. But

I think as a black woman we we go through so much. Everybody isn't gonna serve every purpose, but it's so wonderful to feel like you have people that you can come to, talk to, confide in, right? It's very important. And I think it's necessary. I think what's heart hurtful is when you realize that you thought people were your people.

And they're not your people, that's hurtful. But knowing the difference can save you a lot of mental gymnastics, can save you a lot of heartache and injury on your emotions because we want to put so much on people sometimes, and they're just not able to give it, they're not able to reciprocate. All right. So that's the first box, my people. So the next box I think is one of the most important.

Important boxes of friends that you can have. These are my hey girl, hey friends. These are my girls that we brunch, we eat lunch, we happy hour, we go to outings, we do all the things. We're friends, we talk on the phone, we have a good time, we travel, we do all the things. And the only reason they're not in my people section is because there's just not enough time in the world to foster all of these relationships.

You meet amazing quality women all over the place. I know I do. It's just like when you have too many children, in my opinion. When you have so many, you can only give so much time to each child. When you're overextended in the friendship area, there's only so much time you can spend fostering those relationships. And my hey girl box is full.

I love these women. We support each other. I depend on them. But everybody can't be your immediate go-tos. And that's really the only difference. The hey girl hays are still my girls, but you get what I'm saying. They might even be on their way to being your people. These people that I have in my life that I can hang out with, go eat with, go to lunch with, go travel, go do things with, they have people too. So

I'm not part of their people, just like they might not be part of my people box, but we're still cool. We enjoy each other very much. We love each other as girls and friends and homegirls, homeboys, and all that kind of thing. But you can't be, you know, so tightly bound to every single person, and they're not gonna be bound to you. And when you understand that that is the relationship.

If they don't show up for you, if they don't come through for you in the way that you would like, it's easier to deal with and you're less likely to do that whole ghosting thing that I used to do or or or overreact to how they did not show up for you or they did not behave for you or some action that you felt was taken against you or towards you because you haven't put them in the the box of

Being so close to you, of of giving them so much of you. Does that make sense? Most of my friends, I feel like, would fall into this category. It's a this is a slippery slope category of friend. Because of that, you can lose sight of what their role really is. I'm seeing this as a way for you to protect yourself.

I think we put too much on some of these friendships. Everybody has different ideas and and different ideas of what friendship is, of what love is, what it involves, what you do and you don't do when you are in these types of relationships with people. So if you define

I guess the boundaries around these boxes that exist, it protects you from being hurt later, right? So my hey girl hey friends, I love them. So much fun, such a good time, right? And and many of them would be there for me if I needed them. If I called them and needed their help, they would absolutely be there. But everybody can't be your ace boom. I think a lot of times.

Because this is probably gonna be your biggest box of friends, is we get upset when we try to move our hey girl, hey box to my people box. You know, I this past year I had to let a friendship go. It was very painful to me. I don't know why. I thought this girl was my friend, and she hurt my feelings.

Very much so, right? And it was painful to me because I knew based on an action that she took, I knew I was gonna have to break up with this person. She ended up being in the last category that I'm gonna talk about, but I was trying to elevate her to my my people, but she did something to me I felt that was so harmful, I knew that I wasn't gonna be able to continue on with that friendship. And

And I think that's when we find ourselves really upset and troubled by friendships is when we try to elevate people into boxes that they have no business being in. Now the next section or the next box

This this group of friends is that group I call it you know how they are people. You know how they are, box.

This is a good area for family members that you might love very much, but you know how they are, you deal with it because they're in your family. You love them, but they're always guaranteed to come through with their particular brand of BS, irritation, things that they do that just ⁓ you just have

become accustomed to and you might really love them. And

There might be people in this box, you know how they are people, that are actually my people. But the you know how they are people box is everything to do with how you respond to some of the shit that comes out of their mouths, the way they handle themselves.

in public or they say things and you don't agree with their particular version of what they say. I'll give you an example. Lots of male friends in this category. Lots of male friends in this category. Doesn't mean they're not my people, but I've learned how to respond or not respond to them based on the shit that comes out of their mouth.

One of my friends said to me recently, What did you do to your hair? Now, this person met me when I had a little Haliberry pixie cut. It was even shorter than Haliberry. Back in the day when I was in my twenties, I was rocking that whole look. I was a different Erin. Let me just be clear. I was a a professional. I was working in corporate. So I was always dressed. I was.

I was into superficial me back then. I I just always looked totally pulled together. Not that I don't look pulled together now, but I work from home. I don't have to to be that, right? I'm just a different version of myself. So

Always commenting on, my god, I loved your hair, then I loved your hair. That's like a low key I think dig. I think it's rude to keep saying that, right?

then they said, ⁓ what did you do to your hair? It makes it look like you have good hair, and I know you don't have good hair. Just like what? So and we play and jest, but it's just like, really, really, did you really say that? When, you know, this is a black person who has a non black wife who dates.

women in and and and and speaks about women who are, you know, of mixed race, who are very attractive. Yeah, I take it some kind of way. It's a dig. Love this person, right? Do I want to get rid of him as a friend? I do not. But I just know how he is. So I know that we're probably not gonna

Have certain conversations around the standard of beauty, right? Do I think this person genu genuinely loves me? Yeah. But does he say fucked up shit? Yeah. Right? I have had guy friends that I know to be colorist, that I know to be texturist. They're there. They're they're telling on themselves all the time.

Am I gonna change who they are? No, I'm not. Am I so offended?

It's not cool, said

But have they shown me better sides of themselves compared to the not so cool things that they've said? Yes. So again, you know who they are. You know how they are. They go in that box. So many types of friends that I love them. I think they're super cool. They go in this box. I have a friend. Love him. We get together. One of my gay friends, we have the

Best time.

He's just not to be relied upon to hang out often, you know, he's gonna get wrapped up in work. I know how they are. I know how they are. So I have another girlfriend, ⁓

And you know, I know how she is. She's considered my people though. And she is not the friend that you go to when you're upset about a boy. She just is not. I have learned this over time. I just know how she is. It's like she is completely shut down to any level of romantic emotion. And one time I remember

I was dating this guy and I was so upset. It just didn't work out. I was upset. I mean, this has happened a lot, obviously. If you if you know me, I've been upset about a boy many times. But I was upset and I said to her, I was trying to tell her something, because, you know, she's one of my close friends. And she says to me, Girl, are you in love with this nigga? This is what she says. And I was just like,

I mean, no, I guess maybe. I don't know. Like, what is that? I'm upset. I'm hurt. I had another situation I was trying to tell her about another guy I dated that she knew I had really liked. This is many years later. And she just is not the person that I would go to for this kind of thing, right? Love you. Love her.

You do not go to her with these types of things. So my people, but I know how she is. She is not the one to talk to. So I don't get upset about that anymore. At first, one time I did, because I I feel like she can be a bit insensitive, but I know she's not who I talk to. If I'm upset about something where it's about being emotionally vulnerable.

When it comes to matters of the heart. Just not somebody I can deal with on that level. Love her, right? My dad even falls into this category. I told him, Yeah, I went to the doctor, I gotta do better because I picked up some weight. Yeah, you picked up some weight. This is my dad. You picked up some weight. Yeah, I picked up some weight. Yeah, I noticed you picked up some weight. Okay, thanks, Dad. You know.

And then he'll go into this whole thing about, well, you know, you can lose it. I'm like, okay, right? It's not like I gained, you know, 50 pounds, you know, maybe like 10, 12 pounds. So even my dad, who I love to death, I love, love, love, fits in this category. And I just know how he is. So I just shut him down too. I'm like, you know, why don't you worry about your own weight? He's like, okay, okay. And then he just shuts up, right?

And knowing how to respond to them.

Is is really the trick because I'm not gonna throw a throw away my dad. I'm not gonna throw away my friends. They say messed up stuff. They just say messed up stuff. I I had a friend once tell me when I was all excited, I was newly natural, years ago, and I said, ⁓ my gosh, and I had a twist out and I had like this twist out is really hard for me to master. Like I just can't get it. ⁓

But I had it and it was looking like defined and good. And he looks at me and he says, Well, your edges look a little nappy. I'm sorry, what? Right? Texturous. We cool. But I know how he is. He likes to date Asian women, Latin women. He dates black women too.

But I know how he is, right? He'll deny it. But he said that shit. But am I gonna get myself all upset about what he said? Mm mm. So

Love a lot of these people. And it might sound like, Erin, why are you friends with these people? Why do you talk to these people? People are going to say things to you for the rest of your your life. They are always going to say things to you. If you know how they are, then you you you can choose to not be friends with them. And some people I have. Also, it's just like, you know, all right, I know how they are and whatever, you know.

So that's a box for me. I choose not to get all been out of shape about it, upset and and combative about what they say. I'm not gonna argue you down because you don't like my texture of hair or you think I should do whatever. That's your opinion, right? And when you put people in those boxes, I think it bodes better for you. All right, next.

Next box, box number four.

This is a small doses box. This is the person that you could just only take in small doses. And and and this might be a friend of a friend. This might be somebody you see maybe once a year. Small doses.

These are people I like, these are people I enjoy tremendously, but I cannot spend a lot of time with them, or it will annoy the absolute fuck out of me. So I don't spend a lot of time with them. Super cool people. I might be a small doses person for somebody else. I'm sure I am, and that's okay.

Right? But I'm not gonna try to elevate them to my people or my hey girl hey, because what for? These are like family members that you just don't have to see. I used to have this aunt. I said used to because she passed away a couple years ago. And this is an aunt that looked like Lena Horn. And you know what I'm saying? She was.

ninety something when she passed away. She was of that generation where everybody put her on a pedestal because she was fair with that hair that you just could brush down. And she knew it because she would say little things. And I remember I enjoyed her. Like I enjoyed her very much. The once every other year that I saw her.

In fact, when I moved back to St. Louis, I never went to see her one time because I couldn't take it. One time I was visiting, I was in town to see my cousin.

She comes in in one of her, I don't know, Saint John suits with her little Farragamo shoes and you know, and at this point she's gotta be ninety, at this point, I don't know. And she says to me, I had just gone natural, and she says to me, What have you done with your hair? You look like Buck.

I was just like, be nice. I walked over and hugged her, sat there, talked to her and my cousin probably for a couple hours. I was out. It's like I don't have to be around this woman. I enjoyed her, but she

was a bitch if I'm being honest. Everybody knew it. It wasn't a enough she was like this to everybody.

Small doses, right? So you got people like that in your family. You got people like that who are friends with people that you consider hey girl hays, maybe my people that you are kind of brought together with that you just deal with, right?

My f my final box, and I call it no access box. These are the people I've had to just cut. And unfortunately, sometimes you just have to do this because it's better for you. People are emotionally immature. People are emotionally they just bad energy, you know. I talked to you guys about I had to

walk away from a friendship this past year. And it seems silly, but I realized this person just was not my friend. They always were talking about people. They always had something to say. You could say, Hey, do you know such and such? This this low real happened. This happened. Hey, do you know such and such? This was business question. Girl, I know her.

I know all her business. I know everything about her. What are we? What was that? Why would you offer that to me about another black woman messy? You know, they get off on ⁓ just mean girl stuff, you know? And I realized this person was bad energy, so I had to let them go. You know, I've had to let people go in my life when my mother died.

I realized, ⁓ they didn't know how to handle that. And I have had no interest in going back to recoup the relationship, if you will. And when people are constantly trying to tell you or make you feel like there's something wrong with you, they go in that category for me. So, you know, I've got five boxes. I don't know how many boxes you have. I'm interested

If you guys have other boxes. My boxes are my people, my hey girl hey, you know how they are, my small doses box, and then my no access box. I'm curious what boxes you guys have, like the main ones, or even the little ones, you know, because again, I've got you know how they are, people in my people box. Sounds crazy, but I do. ⁓

But that's just the way I've had to compartmentalize, or I would drive myself crazy. I love my friends. I love being in camaraderie and around other women, other black women. I think it's what makes us who we are. But everybody doesn't deserve to be in my company. And I don't deserve to be in everybody else's company. And I've learned to navigate because

I've had to do that to protect my heart and my emotions. So I'm just curious on how you guys do it. What do you, you know, what do you see? How do you how do you navigate that? Like, do you guys just cut people off cold turkey? I'm trying not to do that anymore, like I said. So anyway, guys, that's it. Next week we have a very, very exciting episode. And I can't wait. It's a panel. I'm not gonna say anything yet.

I'll probably promote it once we're recording tomorrow. So I will promote it once it's recorded because I'm super excited about it. It's a topic that I have been wanting to cover for some time. So guys, I hope you found this interesting. I'm just trying something different. You know, I say coffee no cream moments are not just business but life and friendships are the ⁓

are the through line, are the backbone of black women relationships, I think. Friendships are everything. And I just want to know how you guys handle it, you know? So that's it. That's all I got. And I'll see you in the next one.